I am right in one! Completely demonstrated by the grey wool, that I am randomly knitting together into nothing in particular. The thinking behind it being that if I let my creative self wander, they may come back with my lost lightbulb!
The reason behind this arty bogginess is multilayered, complex and probably not very flattering! But I suppose this is what blogs are for, so here is the ugly truth! My friend....a title I give her with a great sense of honour, love and humility; is incredibly talented. We are like soul peas! Lobsters! Kindred spirits! We both have our children, we both found the adjustment to motherhood difficult, we have both found our ways through this transition and perhaps not so interestingly they have been remarkably similar! I picked up my saucepans and knitting needles and she too picked up her saucepans and sewing needle! And we did battle with our new identity till it was our own! Well it seems that this is where the similarity ends, you see my gorgeous friend, makes a little living from her endeavours and indeed has gained some impressive recogition. I am proud of her, I admire her....I am envious of her! Oooooooooooh! Not pretty is it! Can I help it? NO! And I wish I could and I will! But at the minute, I feel creatively "rubbish"! I feel second rate and not worth it and therefore neither are the things I make! I have ground to a halt...
I am absolutely still, stationary, silent. I don't know what to do with myself.
There has been the impact in the last few days of mummy friends, who work, being a little on the condescending side about my choices and domestic role, and perhaps that has only exascerbated my feelings of non existence. I want to be seen, to be recognised, to be thought of as good at something...oh dear none of this is 'nice' is it? I think that in great part a working, earning role does that for people. It lets them know that what ever they are doing it is worth something...here is the pay to prove it. No one pays a mummy, so is she worth something, anything? Am I?
What I need to do, is get myself in gear and put in the hard graft that she did. Make contacts, find places in craft fairs and most importantly believe that I am worthy of it.
So already I am planning the beginnings of my new years resolutions. I want to make for a small living, I think that I am capable of it. So watch me set my stall out!